Are you a third shifter, too? Do you hate it? My children! Do not abandon this reality! Ponder these bits of wisdom and be refreshed in your journey!

¶.  Any unmarked food items left in the breakroom fridge for more than one day are fair game. This is a natural law like gravity.

In a light hearted and good natured attempt to do away with some rumors that inexplicably seem to recur on a regular basis I have decided to expose a few of them that tend to follow me around. 

"Bret 'X' is gay, you know." Bret X is not gay. Therefore, ladies, if you intend to invite me to lunch in order to recruit me as your new "main gay" please don't. You will only embarrass yourself, though it would  give me a hearty laugh. A good vocabulary and general respect for others does not a homosexual make. Please pull your head from your buttocks, thank you. Update: I have learned that another reason for this rumor is that "noone ever sees me with a woman." My dating life sucks, it's that simple. 8D Don't ask me why, bruh, but most women don't open up to me enough to get to know them well at all, much less ask'em out. That's probably a good thing. Most of'em I have met over the last ten years have been, like, clinically insane.

"Bret 'X' will gain your trust and then stab you in the back." Horse crap. Pure, government approved, grade A horse crap. I have never been this way and have no intention of starting such behavior. The types who start this particularly nasty and reputation destroying lie are usually neurotically insecure, mean natured, slow witted, low class folks. You know who are....and so do I. :)

"Bret 'X' is a cop." Oh yeah! I really hear this a little too often. What these booger eating morons actually mean without realizing it is that I look like the types of actors that tend to get cop roles in movies. These people watch way  too much television. It also means that they can't seperate reality from fantasy very well. That's scary.

"Bret X will eat your food out of the fridge..." This is true. Well, only if it's quite obvious that you have forgotten that your $37.00 meal is in there or your name isn't on it or you've left your peanut butter chocolate ice cream in the freezer so long that ice crystals have formed on the top. By that time it's all mine, you nerdle.

"Bret 'X' thinks he knows everything..." This simply isn't true, either. I do happen to know a little bit about quite a few subjects but am by no means a scholar of anything. If, however, you tell me that you truly believe that the world is flat and that the government has deceived us I will have to correct you. Or back away from you very slowly towards the exit.

"Bret 'X' is an illegal Mexican alien..." Oh now DO come on. I'm so white I was once held up in London by Heathrow airport security, apparently on suspicion of my being a member of the I.R.A. (Irish Republican Army). I'm so white they had to redefine the word. I'm also very American and have been since birth.

"Bret 'X' invented A.I.D.S. ...." Oh whatever....I invented Herpes. Get it
right.
 

"Bret 'X' thinks his crap doesn't stink." -  That's just ridiculous. My crap may stink better than yours does, but it definitely still stinks.


I would also like to point out that, despite the rumors, Kelly Clarkson and I are unfortunately not having an affair.